I can’t feel Christmas

I don’t usually receive gifts every Christmas. If  I do, it’s either from my Mama or my Ate. But without them, I would be a kid hating on Santa for not dropping off my gifts.

Today, I was supposed to see my barkada for the last time this year. Plans changed when Mama and I had a fight in the morning. That meant me not getting any money for today. And I’m broke. No, not because I shopped. But because money’s such a big problem these past weeks.

With all honesty, and believe me when I say this, all I want this Christmas is for people to finally have a peace and piece of mind.  I want everyone to realize that when you let go, you can go. I’ve had this mantra to let God take control of everything and that made me stop thinking less. I know I haven’t been to the perfect state of peacefulness. Sometimes I still think my friends don’t care much about me. And for a little letting go, here.

I feel unappreciated mostly by those friends I have the longest.

Okay fine, taking it out on public wouldn’t make my problem a lot easier but they don’t even read my blog. So why bother not thinking aloud, right?  You know how Christmas should feel good because it’s a time for forgiving and making amends and all those stuff? I feel the opposite of it. As if people are starting to gang up on me.

I hate that my grade school barkada has no solid plans for the season yet. Some showed interest in Paskuhan and then suddenly when I asked them about this coming Friday, everyone seemed unsure. Come on guys. Really, really now? This is one of the reasons why I don’t go out much. Because people seem to hate my idea of fun and I fear rejection the most so I’d rather sulk in the corner feeling alone than hear them excuse their selves.

And then I miss my two best friends. The one I’ve had a huge fight with in high school and the one in Canada.

I still think about what could have happened if I controlled my temper then and understood what Rosealle said. Will I still be friends with her until now? Or would I explode after that day? In high school, the two of us were so into putting our barkada back together. I feel sad that now that we finally reached our goal, it is us whose friendship finally fell apart.

Jannel is a different story though. I miss her the most because most times of our friendship happened online after she migrated to Canada. She told me stories through Friendster messages. She told me her dilemmas through Facebook. She introduced her first love through Skype. She let me know about her first heartache through e-mail. We constantly communicate and e-mail each other when we’re both busy with school. And also because our time difference is a problem. But lately when I see her online and I try to reach out, she seems distant. Like when I tweet her, she doesn’t reply anymore. I’d be lucky if I get even a short one. And how sometimes I feel like she’s not my best friend anymore because I don’t know how she is or how she’s doing with school and living in an apartment and stuff. She used to tell me things straight but now I still need to check her Facebook or Twitter to find out about her 21st birthday, or that she’s going to NYC for New Year. I just miss how we were before. I blame myself for telling her a story that happened to me. I think that’s the reason for it. That probably she now sees a different person beyond who she saw via a webcam.

I really have a hard time befriending people that’s why the old ones are so important to me. But what do I do now if they’re like that?

Written December 18, 2012.

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