Maybe this is the birthday hormones kicking in. Maybe this is not.
Few hours before my birthday, I feel bad about how things are working. I don’t know if this how the world welcomes me in my twenties. I don’t like it. I don’t like thinking about it.
First, one of my closest friends moved to another city. Not too far away, but far enough from us. I got used to seeing Kim and Christian constantly whenever we feel like it. We never plan anything. I see my spontaneity with them. Yes, true friends make way to see each other. But being not a fan of goodbyes, this is different for me.
In school, although I see my friends, I don’t get to be with them longer than before. I haven’t seen my whole college barkada and I miss them so much. Just us girls. Complete. I thought maybe they don’t even remember my birthday. Or that it’s never as important to them as it is to me. Presumably, this is just me over thinking.
Or that I seem to not get I want on my birthdays. It started long ago. Too long that I can’t even remember anymore. I want to just treat my friends out because I doubt they have time to go to my house. My college friends live too far away.
I have no high school barkada. Few friends probably but not those I make time to be with. That’s the shitty part of my life. High school’s supposed to be that part of everybody’s life where they learn to trust. I discovered it then, but released it just after finding out stuff I can’t even begin to fathom.
Or maybe I was never a good friend.
I miss my sister. I’m sure if she’s here, she has ideas to share with me. What to do for my day.
I just want to sleep this off. But the biggest problem is, I’ve been having a hard try sleeping. Every. Fucking. Time.