Kaiangan ko ng tulo(n)g.

Ang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko ngayon. Hindi kasi ako mapakali. Iniisip ko nanamang tapusin ‘tong buhay ko. Naisip ko bukas, hindi ko na siguro papaabutin yung awarding sa Quill. Kasi hindi ko nanaman alam anong gagawin. Dati tuwing naiisip kong magsuicide, wala akong pinagsasabihan. Pero ako mismo natatakot sa mga nangyayari sa utak ko. Di ako makahanap ng drive para mag-aral. Ni yung thought ng diploma para kina Mama hindi ko na maisip as a goal to finish collgee. Gusto ko na lang makalaya. I always read these comments about other people who took their lives. Na hindi daw yun solusyon. Pero wala namang makakapagsabi nun eh. Oo na duwag ako. Naduduwag ako sa putang inang future na hindi ko alam kung meron pa ako. Hindi ko maintindihan. Di ko maipaiwanag. Na alam ko kapag kinonfront ako magagalit lang ako at iiyak. Paulit ulit kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na the first step to solving a problem is acknowledging you have one. Nastock na ako sa part na yun. Hindi ko magawan ng paraan. Na hanggang ngayon ang dami kong takot. Malamang sa malamang babagsak ako sa klase. Naiirita na rin mga thesismate ko sa akin. Tapos hindi ko pa nasasabi sa magulang ko na hindi ako magmamarch pagkatapos ng school year na ‘to. Ayoko na. Ayoko na talaga.

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2 thoughts on “Kaiangan ko ng tulo(n)g.

  1. Hi, I’m not here to tell you that suicide is wrong but I will tell you I know exactly how you feel. I was depressed two years ago and during those years I’ve been trying to fix myself. You know that feeling when you curse because you’re awake? you’d rather commit yourself to death than be awake, because being awake means facing your demons. You know that feeling that you have to summon all your energy like you’re carrying a building just to go downstairs and do your laundry? You know that feeling that you’re drowning but it seemed to go on forever and it just can’t end?

    All those feelings are valid and it means you’re depressed. Contrary to popular belief, Depression isn’t just cutting wrists or being always sad. Depression had its ups and downs, but the gist is I couldn’t feel anything but worthless. It’s like I didn’t want to live and what’s the point? but let me tell you this, depression blinds you to the light. It hides all good things you have in your life. I’ve told my loved ones that I was depressed, but they just said “Be Happy!” or “Some people have it worse than you! Appreciate what you have!” but what those people don’t understand is constantly getting told you’re lazy and that you’re not trying hard enough when you’re trying your hardest is probably one of the most hurtful feelings ever and you’re constantly trying to be the person you were before depression. The mind can be a powerful ally…or your worst enemy. With depression, your mind is your worst enemy. Does it mean you’re going insane? No! Just because its happening in your head, doesn’t mean it isn’t real. What you’re feeling right now is valid and please know you’re not the only one going through this. Tons of people (including myself) have broken the chains of depression, If you want to kill yourself, kill what you don’t like. I had an old self that I killed. You can kill yourself too, but that doesn’t mean you got to stop living. If you want to talk, message me on facebook. YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND YOU ARE LOVED, YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS DARK PATH AND THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE WILLING TO LISTEN TO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY.

    Here’s more proof that you’re not the only one going through this:

    http://aziraphalesneakers.tumblr.com/post/83495720944/cant-go-over-it-cant-go-under-it-cant-go

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqu4ezLQEUA

    http://neurolove.me/post/112318471580

    what your feeling has been translated to comics, spoken word poetry, and art from people all over the world so you’re not alone and I linked my facebook account if you’re willing to talk pa.

    Like

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